Well, the day that we were dreading came. On Friday 30th May, just before 2am, Reginald McDiarmid, the truest gentleman I know, left this world. My mum rang us at about 1.30am to let us know that he was failing, and she was on her way down the coast to see him, and then rang us again just after she got there … Nan didn’t want to call her while she was driving to let her know, so she waited until Mum arrived to give her the heart breaking news.

We woke the kids to tell them, and they were understandably devestated. Kieran looked up to Pa so much, and it’s going to take him a while to fully deal with it I think – as will the rest of us! Kelsey is being a total trooper – yes, she’s upset, and she loved her Pa very much, but she’s the kind of person who just wants to protect people around her, so she’s being a little legend, trying to cheer Tayla up and keep her mind off it. Tayla …well, she’s only 5, and she has lost her best mate. She knows that she won’t see him again, and that she won’t ever have another big Pa hug, but every so often over the past few days she just breaks down in tears, saying “I want my Pa!” They were really best mates – the rest of us felt a little bit left out sometimes, I think, as they shared their special moments! Ok, not really left out – but I’m eternally grateful that she has so many wonderful memories to cherish of her relationship with the best man I know.

I don’t want to sugar coat it – Pa wasn’t all peaches and cream. He’s coped with so much in the past couple of decades, it’s really a miracle that he’d lasted this long. His personality had changed somewhat, as a result of a brain tumour a while ago, and that meant that there were times when he was grumpy, obnoxious, and a general pain in the butt. Mostly, though, he was a legend. Last year, Nan had to have surgery to repair a macular hole in her eye, and I was Pa’s taxi for the day. We got to wander around the city for a while, as we waited for Nan to come out of surgery. Pa is the kind of man, even at 79 and frail, who would gently take my elbow and steer me to the inside of the footpath, so that he was between me and the road, just in case he needed to fend off any stray cars to protect me. Half the time, I didn’t even realise he was doing it, till all of a sudden I was on the other side of him, wondering how I got there!

He was a man who knew the value of a good joke…. and thought that a suitably bad joke was priceless. Some of his jokes and stories are forever a part of our family legacy, and I’m so grateful that after the funeral yesterday, we got a chance to reminisce about some of those. There was a lot of laughter, and that’s just the way Reggie would have wanted it.

I’ll never be able to look at my knees again without thinking of my Pa – he had this habit of creating a rhyme for all his grandkids, and mine was “Tamara Louise with the knobbly knees”. We all will cherish that, as much as we used to complain when he called us by our extended names when we were growing up.

I’ve only been to a few funerals in my lifetime, and only 4 of people that were very close to me. This one was the hardest that I’ve experienced, but at the same time the most beautiful. Nan and Pa’s next door neighbours have 2 sons who were pretty much family. We’d hang out when we were on holidays, and I know that the Clancy’s regard Nan and Pa as part of their extended family. It was a total honour, then, that Steven conducted the service with the celebrant at the crematorium. It was so moving that someone who knew Reg was speaking about his impact on those around him. Thanks, Steven, you made a very difficult time much more bearable.

My uncle spoke on behalf of Nan, my mum and my Aunty, and I was so choked up. Uncle Pete is a genuine nice bloke, and I haven’t seen a lot of him in recent years, but I haven’t ever seen a tear in his eye before yesterday, let alone heard him struggling to speak through his sorrow. My sister and I were speaking on behalf of the grandkids, and had to follow Uncle Pete … that was a difficult task. We had decided we wanted to really focus on what a great guy he was – all our memories about Pa revolve around the tricks, and the jokes, and the funny times, so we spoke a lot about those things – the memories of our Pa that we will cherish for a lifetime and beyond. It was hard, but we got through it with our heads held high, and by the end there were a lot of smiles and chuckles in honour of a man who loved to make people laugh. I hope I made you proud, Pa!

My kids wanted to contribute something to our speech, and that was probably the hardest thing for me. Lorraine and I read a paragraph each, and the way it worked out was that I got to read Kieran’s paragraph, which was the first of the great grandkids’ comments. I almost lost it then – mostly because I saw his eyes fill up with renewed tears when he heard me say his name. Here is what my kids wrote about their Pa…

Kieran says:
I love Pa. every time I shook his hand he wouldn’t let go. He would keep shaking for about 90 seconds. Sometimes my hand would go numb! So, every time someone shakes my hand I’ll think of Pa shaking my hand till it was about to fall off, and all the good times we had together. Although he is not here, he will never let go of me.

Kelsey says:
I love my Pa so much. I will always remember him. He would always try to tell me that there was something on my top, and when I would look, he would tap me on the nose. Every time I would say “there’s nothing there”, and he would say “there is this time, go on, look, just there!” I would know that there was nothing there but I would still look, and he’d get my nose every time. Every time anyone touches my nose, I’ll think of Pa trying to get me again.

Tayla says:
Pa is my best buddy. He always plays tricks on me. He would get me to start saying the alphabet, and said “A”. I’d say “B”, and he would say “I hope he stings you before me!” He would give me the best hugs and kisses, and tickled me all the time. He liked to make me laugh. He is living in my heart now, and every time I laugh, that’s my Pa being glad that I’m happy.

Little legends, aren’t they?

The final paragraph of our eulogy was written thanks to some inspiring words from Allison, an online friend from LSBS. I closed by saying this:

Pa was a one in a million – they broke the mould when he came along, and the world could do with more men like him. It comforts me to know that he’s probably up there right now, not just rebuilding that mould, but finding a way to make it better – if anyone could, it’s our Pa. We all have many fond memories of our Pa, and they’ll be with us for the rest of our lives. He is a very special person who will always have a special place in our hearts.

Thanks Allison, it was really a perfect thought for my Pa.

I went for a viewing yesterday morning before the funeral, and anyone who has done this will understand when I say that it was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. I was expecting… well, actually I don’t know what I was expecting. But I’m glad I did it. Wasn’t expecting Pa’s hands to be so cold, and afterwards I realised how stupid that was – I don’t know why I was shocked when I touched them. Somehow, it was him, but it wasn’t, if that makes sense … I’m still trying to process it in my head, but at least I wasn’t focusing on what was in that big brown box at the front when I was speaking, so that was a blessing. This picture is how I prefer to remember Pa … with Tay sitting on his lap, where she invariably was when he was around!

His coffin had a gorgeous photo of him sitting on it – not in a suit, which seemed a little wrong, but in a flanalette shirt and jumper, laughing at someone off camera. His beloved Tigers jersey was draped over the top, and his other favourite posessions, a “Best Buddies” beanie bear Tay gave him for christmas, and a necklace Kieran gave him for luck in the hospital, were also on there. We had brought some roses, and at the end of the service the celebrant gave us a moment to lay a flower on the coffin if we wanted to. My kids were the first ones up – Tayla kissed her hand and touched Pa’s footy jumper, which was such a sweet thing to do. It made me really proud of them, and fairly certain that they are going to be ok – they are all handling it ok, although very differently to each other.

How am I handling it? That’s a great question. Ok, I think. I’m looking forward to some “alone” time to just cry for a while, but it’s hard because whenever Tayla sees me upset, she loses it again, and I don’t know if that’s really helping her. So I’m being strong while I need to, and hanging out for Dennis to have a few days off work – he’s working every day for the next three weeks, as his Assistant Manager is on holidays, so it took a lot of shuffling for him to get yesterday off work for the funeral. My sister is going to look after the kids on Sunday, and I’m catching up with some girlfriends to see Sex and the City … it’s kind of obligatory to see that with a group of girlfriends, isn’t it?

So, back to work tomorrow, and I’ve got a massive pile of paperwork to catch up on, plus reports to write for both year 7 and 8. Life goes on, huh? Today, Kieran headed off to Canberra for a GAT excursion, and I drove Kelsey to Springwood to catch up with her class – she was supposed to go on her very first camp yesterday, for 3 days, so she missed the first day, but was excited to get there this morning. It’s been pouring down rain though, so fingers crossed it’s not too miserable for her. Tayla and I, after all the running around this morning, have been just veging out in front of the TV. I’ve been scrapping a little bit -getting a sample layout for a this weekend’s cybercrop at ScrapTherapy ready. It’s all about the bling this month, so if you are interested in a great weekend of scrapping, pop over to the forums and say hi!

Well, that’s about it for today … I just really wanted to get some of that down while it was fresh in my head. Thanks heaps to everyone who has been popping by and leaving comments of support, or emailing me or posting on forums. I appreciate it more than you know.

That’s totally how I’m feeling right now. Seriously, who would schedule a time like this in their lives? Who would decide that you were going to experience so much pain? I tell people that my grandfather is in hospital, probably dying, and I get the whole “oh, how old is he? well, he’s had a good life” … and I swear, if one more person tells me that I’ll choke them till they are a pretty shade of purple. It’s a much nicer colour than blue! Yes, I’m aware he is old! Yes, his body has suffered through more than any one person should be able to survive. But he is my Pa. He was there when I didn’t have a dad around. Even though he isn’t outwardly affectionate, I’ve always known that I’ve been totally unconditionally loved by him. I’ve always known that I’ve made him proud. And I can’t even get my head around a world without Reg … but at the same time, I can’t bear to see him suffering the way he is. So how do I feel? On and off ok. Mostly the most conflicted and miserable I’ve been in a long time. Even when we were going through everything with Kieran last year, I felt like that in that there was something I could do … but now, I’m helpless. And seeing Pa laying in hospital, too tired to even tell a joke, makes me feel even more helpless.
It’s been 2 weeks. I’ve been down to see him 3 times. Last time was the best and worst. On Wednesday, he was telling me jokes, fighting with me, and going off at me for not attending the rally for the teacher’s strike. All TOTALLY my Pa – he tells the worst jokes I’ve ever heard, he’s a staunch unionist, and he loves to argue. The next day, he could hardly keep his eyes opened, and was struggling to breath, let alone talk. And when I lay down at night, I have those two men in my head … both of them him, but neither of them quite right. It’s breaking my heart.
The other broken hearts around here belong to my kids, and all for slightly different reasons. Tayla and Pa are best mates. To try and prepare a 5 year old for the fact that the biggest man in her life outside her daddy might not be here for long – that’s just too hard. But it’s too cruel to not even let her know that he’s really sick, and she’s not silly – she saw it in his eyes when we took them down last weekend to see him. Kieran, well he’s just a mess, and I don’t blame him! He gave Pa his necklace, and that brought Pa to tears – noone in our family can remember that happening very much (well, not since Kieran offered him a lung if he needed it when his lungs collapsed last year!) And Kelsey is just being Kelsey – holding it in, being strong for everyone. I guess maybe I’m more worried about her than anyone.
So where to from here? He survived surgery the other day, which was more than we expected. He’s still in ICU, and making ever so tiny improvements, but mostly he is just hanging on. It could be days, it could be weeks or months. I don’t know how much more I can take. And I read that, and I feel so guilty, because this shouldn’t be about me – he’s going through so much more! So I’m praying when I can, but I don’t know what to pray for. Lost. So totally lost, and I don’t know what do feel or think about it anymore.

It hasn’t all been so grim … the weekend provided us with a few moments of joy. Kieran had a cadets duty, for the opening of Blacktown Festival, and there was a military display thing at Nurragingy Reserve, so we took the kids down. It was a lot of fun, and even though tanks and jeeps aren’t really my thing, it was great to get the kids out of the house, watch them ooh and aah over the parachutists and ponys, and run around in excitement over the waterfall and the icecream truck.
Sunday was the beautiful Bella-Rai’s naming day, and my sister and her partner did a fantastic job … I was using their camera, so as soon as I get the pictures I’ll share some. Kieran is Bella’s godfather, and Kelsey and Tayla are her “Guardian Angels” – they love that idea, and it was such a sweet gesture. They all got lovely cross necklaces, and Tayla in particular took her role very seriously – she was considering before she said “yes” when asked if she would be the guardian angel and take on that responsibility during the service. Too cute!

Hmmm … that’ s about all I can write now. I have a shocking headache, and should probably go to bed, but I think I just needed a bit of an emotional purge tonight! Thanks for persevering, if you made it this far. And go and give the special people in your life big hugs, or ring them and tell them you love them. Life is too short to assume that you’ll have time to do it later.

http://wendi-aarons.blogspot.com/
Love it. Love it, love it, love it. Thanks Kerryn for sharing this with me! Love it.
That’s it for today, really – just another reminder to myself to check this out regularly. Did you hear that Tamara? Go off and check that out again! And a reminder (read the hangover post!) that you are NOT 21 anymore … you aren’t even 16 … and square poles are designed to hold up patios. That’s it. Nuff said.

Oh yeah – Miss Holly has a blog! Thanks to her lovely mummy, Miss Shelee, she’s joined the world wide web. Welcome, gorgeous!
http://missholly-shelee.blogspot.com/

I just posted this over at ScrapTherapy – it started off as a “Happy Mother’s Day” post, but I had a very close friend firmly in my mind as I was writing it, and it got deep and meaningful. I thought I’d post it here too.

To all the mothers of children, present and absent.
To all those who nurture children who they didn’t birth, but they love all the same.
To all those who are aunties, sisters, friends and neighbours, who offer a maternal ear, or shoulder, or hand when needed.
To all those who long to hold a baby but have not been blessed.
To all those who have not given birth, and have no desire to.
To all those who nurture their fur-babies.
Who love unconditionally.
Who make the world a better place through their presence.

My life has been nurtured and enriched by so many women.
I have been touched by a biological mother.
By a mother of a close friend, who saved my life on more than one occasion.
By a woman whose womb had never produced an offspring but nonetheless impacted on the world around her deeply – both as a teacher, and a lifelong friend.
By a grandmother, and more aunts that I can number.
By a sister who, by choice, wasn’t able to have children in the conventional way, but has this year realised her dream of motherhood, and celebrates her first mother’s day this year.
And by friends, both mothers and not, who make the world a better place through their compassion.
Their humour.
Their ability to make rainbows out of the darkest storms.
Their persistence and perserverance.
And their deep and abiding love.

Thankyou to all those women in my life.
And thankyou to those women in yours.
Have a wonderful day today, you beautiful women, no matter what your circumstances and experiences.
You hold a truly honoured place in this world, and I am honoured to be counted amongst you.

Man, I’ve only been back at work for 4 days, but I’m already in need of a holiday. It’s program review week at work … so what does that mean? Well, basically a lot of trees have given their lives this week, my friends. Piles of paper, all attempting to justify our pedagogical decisions. We’ve been collecting books, organising outcomes markbooks, and documenting every breath we have taken this term. Fun, huh? I’m sure there was something else I was supposed to be doing in my chosen career… ah yes, teaching! Maybe I’ll get to that when we get through all the paperwork.

A quick text update – thanks for all the comments and advice on my 1984 dilemma. I’ve ended up changing my text choices for this term, and am doing a close study on Othello instead (LOVE Iago, what a legend!!) so I can give myself a bit more time to prepare a more interesting (and less snooze-inducing) comparative study program for next term. I’m feeling much better about it, so that’s good. Hopefully my yr11 class enjoy Iago as much as me. One of the girls in my class told me about a Bollywood film version of Othello – anyone know any good places in Australia to pick up Indian films? I’d love to get a hold of it – as long as it’s subtitled in English!

Scrapping wise, I’m looking forward to a big weekend! ScrapTherapy have their first retreat on this weekend, and I’m not going (boo hoo), but I get to stay home and run the cybercrop which is running this weekend with Julie (woo hoo!!) There is going to be a Blind Scrapping challenge tomorrow night, too, run by Scrapping4Kaytie … I can’t wait, I’m loving blind scrapping. Too much fun!

The other super exciting thing (well for me anyway) is that my kit for my first OTP class at Scrap Therapy has gone on sale – it’s going to be great. The class is on May 17th, and you’ll get to make a gorgeous mini album using a Kaiser crown album, and some beautiful Daisy Bucket papers. Check out the info in the forum HERE, and take a look at my cool kit – it’s really good value!

Ok, I have an Othello program to finish writing by tomorrow, so I’d better go and get cracking.
Take care!
Tamara

Check this out regularly.
http://lovelife.typepad.com/kalbarteski/
Especially Tiny Art 35. “I am bulletproof because I have to be”.
And Tiny Art 31. I’m going to try to embrace my wobbly bits (metaphorically speaking of course).
Thanks Alison Shearer for sharing the link to this blog – love the art, it’s just so inspiring!

So … an intellectual rant. I hate 1984. Sorry, Aldous Huxley, you’ve utterly failed to grab me. And the rantings of your army of zealots, proclaiming your genius and wisdom, and insisting that it is a work of genius, have failed to sway me. I’m supposed to teach this to a class? Heaven help me. I seriously need to reconsider my options. What I REALLY need is a time machine to return me to a point in the not too distant past when the Board of Studies was meeting to set the new NSW HSC Text Prescriptions, and stop them from adding Brave New World into the Extension course … then I’d be free to teach it this year to my year 11 class. What do you think my chances are of that happening before school goes back in 8 days time … slim?? Ah well … it’s either 1984 or Animal Farm. Or, if anyone has any brilliant ideas of a novel to teach in a comparative unit with AI (Speilberg film) or in fact, with any film in a comparative unit, I’d be only too pleased to hear about it. I’m desperate!! I can’t convince myself that the interminably boring passages of Winston reading “The Book” are worth ploughing through – how do I even attempt to convince a group of cynical smart 16 and 17 year olds that they should? Oh, the pain! Oh, the drama!

K, I’m going to bed now to dream of an agonizing and painful world … of Big Brother and lack of freedom, and being 8 days away from excruciating drudgery. Oh wait, that’s not a dream – that’s going back to work and having to teach 1984. Can you believe Big Brother is about to come back on, by the way? The first housemate was revealed during dance tonight … ugggh is all I have to say about that. Ugggh.

Well, holidays are almost halfway over – it’s not fair! I haven’t had a chance to do even 10% of the things that I wanted to catch up on, either at home, or the massive pile of work I have to do before school goes back. Arrgggh!

I just wanted to share a few links – mainly so I can come back and find them again later! This is what has been helping me procrastinate today.

In Praise of the Elephant Girls … yep, that’s me in a nutshell, so much so that I had to take a few minutes to ponder the all-round significance of it. Still kind of in shock actually.
Post Secret I revist this every so often, and there never fails to be a secret which speaks to my soul. Love it.
Journal Revolution – it’s a top read, but I was totally sold by the “2008- the year of wanting to do less” pic … OMG! So in my head. lol

K, off to do less now!